*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Body by Oreos
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
me
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.