Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan