Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
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What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Mouse
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
me adding lol on a serious message
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff