Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
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Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
quarantine day 3
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this