Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
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kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast