you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
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Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery