the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
You Might Also Like
Me: Who鈥檚 a good boy? WHO鈥橲 A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Everyone hates millennials until it鈥檚 time to convert a PDF into a Word document
At least broken people are interesting. You can鈥檛 fix boring.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: It鈥檚 not what you said, it鈥檚 the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn鈥檛 even realize we had a conversation*
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
DATE鈥橲 FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don鈥檛 think you underst-
ME: Launch馃憦pad馃憦Mc馃憦Quack馃憦
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.