Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
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Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?