Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
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We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I found your tweet-up…
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it