Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
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in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today