Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
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Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
can you read it!!??
maan!