Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Start the year as you intend to continue.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke