Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
2022 be like
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.