My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
is it earth
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
My dating profile:
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.