Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances