I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
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Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Love is in the air fryer.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.