Thursday Thought.
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By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)