Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
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Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.