So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
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Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.