Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
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[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive