Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”