[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
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who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.