Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
How wrong was this guy?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.