*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
A French press is when you hug naked
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
One of the best
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.