time for some seasonal decor
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how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Pat is about to own someone
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”