I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
You Might Also Like
Mornin. * use accordingly
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
m’lady
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.