Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
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One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
this FaceApp is creepy af
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Are you ok, human???
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car