Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
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*offers Batman cough drops*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
How dramatic are you?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Terribly Tuesday.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT