I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
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This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.