Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
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If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong