All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
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My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Storm Tropical Storm
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.