DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
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If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
See..?
.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense