Mummies are just super modest zombies
You Might Also Like
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready