me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
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It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.