[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
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I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.