This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit