Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
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Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Breaking news:
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol