If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
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*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack