17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
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Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
*pronounces surface like Versace*
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.