I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.