What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
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Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?