Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
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My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
i actually laughed 😩
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher