I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
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bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral