Very good! 👍😂
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just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Webb. James Webb.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
TODAY
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*