the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
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My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song