Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
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Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
What do you hear?
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
He wanted to make sure😂