friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
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Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode