Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
You Might Also Like
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.