Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
The three genders.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
scared to check what name she chose
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Feels
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Passwords are more important than ever.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people