7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
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I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!